The Shadow, and The Light

Oh Lord. Please help all of us get through the holiday season.

It's now December and holiday havoc is just about to begin..not counting black friday, which had been taking place on thanksgiving strangely. But time is on the essence for me to get my career started while juggling the time at my job...in which it is finally wearing me down physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Black Thanksgiving

Unless you're a type that like to have thanksgiving in the morning or noon, you're half lucky. Our family is spread out and it take them til evening before we get started. Those that are unlucky will have to swallow down the turkey, cock their shotgun and get ready to go behind enemy lines in front of walmart. The plan for the early 'black friday' was to diminish the ordeal that goes on black friday. To me, not only it sounds half-baked, but it totally killed turkey day...for some at least if they're smart. Also it boosts one of the least active shopping days in the season....funny.

Entity (revival)

Back in 2005 or 06, I don't remember, I was going to make a SZZT game called Entity. I have wrote this up in my 2nd online journal in the past but couldn't get around to it somewhat. But now...I'm resurrecting in and it's going to be multiplayer! More news about it later.

Somedays you just want to rest...

When you come home and have all these plans you got to do but got all the essentials waiting for you like housework, family matters, and hygiene, you too tired to do anything else but rest. Hell..that's all you COULD do, and thus it becomes a common everyday song of adulthood. So the question is, do you set your time wisely from a single hour of unproductive things in your schedule to do what you need to do that's productive or have them eaten by boredom and obsolete things until the next day sends it's trials your way again? There a time for everything...it takes a perceptive eye and a willing spirit to follow through what you need to do in a given day, because in the end, it's better to put some time in per day then nothing at all for months.

By the way, I got s*** to do.

A resolution started at the start of this month? Why? Well it's no better time. I have lots of goals to do such as getting back into my scriptures and devotional reading, and getting some projects done. Plus I have plans on touching up on this online journal that is permanently up and mines. I also am going back in doing my speed reading and learning Dvoraks. Hm...I may make a list later...

Time haven't got easier I can tell you that. Not going to be until your ass return to the earth's crust and your spirit is lifted. The lion is always on the prowl, ready to consume. Don't you dare think he's not around that corner. As soon as you let your guard down, or get used to the lion not being around, he's ripping you three buttholes.

That butthole was gain a while back when I received what seems to be the most abominable evaluation I have ever heard. What was said does not match up with nothing I've done, merely fabricated in assumptions that I'm not a good worker. No no, I have some evals that went like, I need improvement in things that I know I do and try to work up on it. This one is pure grade A BULLSHIT with CORN! Almost as if the main purpose of it is to purely piss me the hell off.

I don't know the motives of the eval but I know it's being misused or is just a mere tool for moral masturbating. So I need to cast this problem aside and focus on working for God rather than man.

If I sound a bit malicious, it's because I may had took too long a break from my spiritual lifestyle. I did good to not stop a beat for a while, but as lessons, and kind habit are fused in my heart, the constant damage that beats against my soul like raindrop on stone, I'm slowly breaking unless I refortify my defenses...

*yawns* I'm tired...

But even so, I'm coming back to continue my journal. While I can't drop everything that had happen during those missing months, I do know that I have new goals and resolutions right now...

In due time, I'll have to get straighten up and organized, but also persists in progressing on my goals. I'll add a few piece later..

Back for like a couple of years...things happened, but a lot of it to note but the majority it's life, and not much interesting to know on the subject.

Historical moments is that it snowed very deep for the first time in 17 years...on christmas! I like the snow.....not giving a damn about christmas.

Well...eventually I'll touch up on all that had or is happening depending if I get around to it. Some wisdom I'll share still and whatnot but yea...

Right now I'll say one of my many classic phases and tell you all to go away.

...for now.

Many things happened. Those many things that worked against my favor. So many I didn't write about them these whole 30-days. One was my careless mistake, then realization of my Utah syndrome, and a month's absents from the fan project. That boar heavy on my spirit, that I forgot to praise and worship...not forget,...more morose to do so even that it's the most desirable time to do so. Let's say, feb wasn't the month.

My quest of finding a group to chat with is an interesting one. Learning people, from people, and the group themselfs was a bit of an educational experience. That has to be a blog on it's own that I may bring up on a community group. I'll provide a link later.

To-Do
- make a to-do outline on Caribbean Seas, ning site.
- train dragon speak while updating blogs.
- habit of reading devotionals, and scriptures again.

Yea, I have to get back with God again and get reacquainted with him. These times has led me to worry, and wounded my spirit. But no matter what, I shall alway depend and follow Him through all these trials. For he overcame the world and made it possible to return.

No promise that I'll keep this journal up, but I'll try.

Hey. I'm failing in a hurry am i? So many things are happening all at once, and I hardly have the time to pay attention to them all. That's why in some cases I had to cancel some of the projects, or put them on hold for now. New month means more things are due. That includes debit cards, Web service, satellite service, and updating forum and journals. Now that we have a new manager in my department, there's going to be a mixup in the schedule. Or to say, it's going to be plenty of fluctuation going on which will make it very hard to predict whether you have time or not. So I'm taking this time for this month to take a break on most of things I have working on. Maybe... that will get my bearings straight for now. Pretty soon it's going be February...

Well, you can't stop time so you might as well be ready for what's coming. I'm trying to not let some opportunities slip by that would help me with progress in the future. So far the Lord has helped me catch most of them so I don't have to worry too much. I just have to make most of today.

So far this month I'm taking this time to catch up on my scriptures and reading two of Joyce Meyers' "how to hear from God", and "battlefield of the mind". There's also a lot to talk about for this journal. So when a topic comes to mind, I have it recorded on my handy MP3 player. Topics like, "the parable of the talents", "having a heart of flesh", "developing game designs", and my future website plans. If only I could concentrate on one thing at a time.

Endless task

Dreams I have been having on the weekends sucks. After I made my day at work, I suspect to have a peaceful rest on the weekend. But as I slept the night, I dreamt that I was right back at work. Doing the same damn monotonous task. It's as if it never ends. And I'm left unsatisfied and wanting to go back to work. It's bad to say but it happens, and I hate it ever so much to feel the constant hassle in your what supposed to be your sanctuary.

These dreams are getting very common. Not to mention a flood of those "sensuous dreams". I know I said before about not having them like I used to, but some good memories comes with bad ones. And those bad ones consists of the days I have been spending time with a canine friend. Fund memories. I wish I could remember the good times that we spent together, and "leave out all the rest". Them part of the memories I'd wished I have done different...

But enough about the past, I want to enjoy what the Lord has prepared for me in the future and make better choices with the knowledge and the Holy Spirit that I have now.

Hello I'm back and I don't have anything post. So I'm just checking out the dragon pad for second. So far the software needs a little more training than usual. In a way I can type faster than I can speak and correct everything I say. And that's bad. Other than that I'm wasting a bit of time checking and downloading software.

Anyways, I wish I would have known that everything in my shopping cart art in Amazon would go up in price after Christmas. I would have got some good deals, but now I have to pay an extra dollar for every single item that I have saved. 10 bucks actually. I know next time when you have to sell like this I'm going to have to buy it before the end of the month. *shrug* oh well no biggy.

this point using the software I could have done a whole page worth at this point, I have to go back and correct things two or three times it mistakes. I'm not given up on it.

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a Self-Improving Self-Knowing Believer

1% of the 27033 people who have taken this quiz are like you.

...wow.

Hello. I'm just making a new post for this year using this brand spanking new Dragon speaking software. So far it is doing well except I cannot use scribefire. That is quite unfortunate so I have to use notetap Pro. Otherwise it works okay except on browsers. So for this New Year's resolution I guess I'll be posting more. I can't say anything new will go on with my life though. It's the same old routine working at work, and hoping to get stuff complete. So I'll try to become better this year, get closer to God, get my website started, read at least some of my books, and figure out what I can do different.

Our project, Caribbean Seas, still needs to be done so I only hope that our crew will still be ready when it gets started. They have lots of patience and trying to find time to do this project just like I have, so I don't have to worry too much about not doing enough with the time I have already. Goolie, one of the project cast, helped make me realize how much I have put into this. So all I have to do is stay persistent to make this dream possible. Correction, our dream. So if it is destined for this project to see light, and as long as my body is on Earth, it will come to pass.

I have got to admit, December has been one crazy month. I just cannot believe how many people was in my workplace. It is ridiculous. But I wade through and survive and that's all that matters. Thank God for that. But I wish I could handle it better. But I learn from experience. Always.

Hey what do you know. I have got a lot of this post done in just a few seconds,...er minutes. I wonder if I can write a novel with this bad boy. Hey I can finish up my website with no time at all. But maybe I'm overshooting the goal with this idea. Priorities first, get what's most important things done, before doing something silly.

That is all for now. It's back to business.

Nothing to update much. I need to dive back into game designing with Caribbean Seas, or really, get those materials up on the site. But I been needing a place for my head. *Sigh* Bored with the same routines but praise otherwise the things I still have. It sucks trying to get new friends and they fall apart or distant themselfs, but I'm bless with the ones that I still have. Even if they are the old ones, I still cherish them. It's often too easy to forget about the older friends you have. "They there. They're not going anywhere." But the later might always be true. So I guess I have to find the time to tell them how much I appreciate them, and staying with me all this time.
I'm a natural loner, so I wouldn't doubt how aggravating it is to get in touch with me to do something, or talk to. Way too fickle in wanting attention or not. But being alone is where my peace is. Guess what I'm saying is, I'm the type that needs to be feed space. You're welcome, but don't overstay.

I've been having ennui. Same routine, same problems, same rope-a-dope s***. So I don't know. I thing I have to find something to do differently. Gaming does a so so job, and developing is but time consuming. Drawing is a great stress reliever. Can't really show them to anybody which sucks, especially at FA where it's sandwich between two adult drawings, and DA had blocked Hughes' network service, preventing me from registering.

I don't care much for anything right now. Just want to meditate in peace.

Libido: >>>>>>> 70%

( Fall is my favorite season of the year. It holds so much fund memories. But one thing I hate about fall is a sudden shot of libido that comes like clockwork. )

Some people needs to hear that. Reason is do you slow down enough to enjoy the life that goes on around you. I mean, hell I know life does goes in a speed of light but slowing down takes practice.

Right now, fall has reach it's sensual peak here at my home, and as soon I finish this entry, I'm heading out with my drawing, and note material under the apple tree in the paster. It's also a nice spot I can meditate and appreciate God's beautiful work. Though those past event didn't give me the breathing space to remember and slowdown to spend time with a Friend, but at least I know I can alway come back with peace.

I love fall, and it's beauty it emits. The soft beats of the sun, and the colourful leaves overhead as beam cascade through the cracks. I also remember the pack I use to have that hangs around. The bugs and critter, along with the birds fills the atmosphere with life.

Days like those are tempting to take for granite til it too late, or it would be years since you last been still. Guys, we're too young for days like these get pass us and we have to make it a habit to make the most of it. We do the same thing with friends too. When the last time you didn't shit drive-by babble and actually listen or pay attention to their existance? Your watch-mate? Are you taking the time to listen to most of them?

I pray for everyone to just take their time in life, even though it seems that you can't stop, or you're running on a treat mill. Even I need to stop once in a while.

To everything there is a season, and a time for
every matter or purpose under heaven.
--Ecclesiastes 3:1

*looks at watch* 12:30pm(-6). Welp, I'm done. Time to head out...

Aside to self:...should I bring pokemon dungeon?

Oh as much as I hate making mistakes or breaking any kind of rules of any, do let me know that using pics for usericons that's copyrighted but credited is against the rules and such. I do appreciate it.

*Ah-choo!!* Dah, bloody hell! Yep, as more of my co-workers comes down with the sickness, I was next in line to feel the full blow. *sniff* I'm doing better emotionally. Kinda wish I could handle it better. It was difficult, but I've manage. I've learn to not let such anger acumulate over time that when I shift to a down slope that I can't stable myself. When I crash, I crash badly with the weight of all my rage behind it. So it's important to keep your thoughts clean, and managed. It's a ongoing practice, you can't slide or else it'll stack against you.

I need a break from the net, and work on the fan-project offline. Also needing a break from youtube. Those let's play are damn addictive. *shutter* There's a lot of things I need to cut from my daily activities so I'm gonna make a list later.

Oh, I also need to be more active in the own_tempo community too.

Psalm 143:4,5

Wow, I had two cluster of dreams, and they all chain together. Unfortunately, I don't remember much about the first cluster, but I do remember the second. Seems fun to write them while they still in memory...

Friendly Fire. The begin of my second "cluster" starts out as one of the three stooges. They where...mining? Nawl, I think they where climbing teeth? No not literally. They where at the side's of a mountain, full of fire mans. They all keep getting covered in soot. All of the sudden, the stooges broke into a dash into the mines, which eventually turn into a complex. During that, "curly" when off somewhere into the unknown for some reason, and the two travel deep. The place eventually turn into an old white glassy mansion/greenhouse. Now for some reason, war broke out within the building, and the guys with uniforms and red bandage on their arm started firing at us. We went different direction, and I soon met one of the "blue team" who they through me an uzi to use against the red. Yea, I was friendly fire like a dig dog, shoting at a robotic boy, whom "mom" helped. He was still moving, but I landed a head shot...

Hard Path Instead of saving myself, I toke the deeper path. What had happened is the whole room on the other side crashed. We could take another path, which I was informed, but I choosed to go down. "But it's impossible" they said. I stomped the glass on the floor to where the room is and got through and landed in some water. Kids! They are everywhere, and the floor is flooded! I went and start breaking glass through room to room while the kids followed. The troops *shrugs* cheered for my bravery while I make a path through the building. At last I see the light, and I finally get to catch my breath.
During the sunset, we, me and this other guy. Stood by the fence as heroes. As amazement at what we went through, we jumped off the fence and broke into a dance number like in the old movies.

drug bust!! We was in this toy warehouse, still acting the fool and desided to court some lady in the process. It started with all these kids running under our feet, and this lady, who works there, are trying to keep order. *** We grab some game and start singing about it in front of her, which she was interested at first, but then got extremely annoyed. After chasing us about, we soon ended our dance number, and well, she was impressed. She tried to get us to dance again, but we deliberately doing the opposite of what she said. We soon exposed our selfs as detectives in front of a newspaper about a drug producing within a church. She try to understand why, but my partner, the "dancer" exposed she is using it in her drink. I looked under the table she sits at under one holding a bunch of toys too and holy crap. THE MOTHERLOAD! Red and white pills in plastic bags everywhere!

Enter Laharl... I starred as the devil's son. Knowing this isn't the role I wanted to play, I stayed to see how this plays out, which lead me into an interesting scenario. Note that somehow I know I'm just pretending for some reason, but I do have the role *shrugs*. Coming from the back of the store at walmart to meet one of the devil's "higher elder" who sits in garden center. He was black... The group of students of the devil that I was traveling with feared him, but I deside I "cut" from line to meet him. I told him I was the "son of 'him'", and he greeted me. He proceed to teach me all the trades of deceptions and cheating in business. Then this is where it gets interesting. Then he told me I have to be better then this, then going through shortcuts through life to get what I want. He lean his head against mines and..

I woke up. Interesting dream don't cha think? I'm surprised that I remember that much, but I have the light off and sound of my alarm clock off to keep me in this somnambulistic state. But I still kinda remember one part of my dream of my first cluster, but I lacked the time to write it down. Maybe after I get back from work...



Next up: Grandpa, professional singer, everyday arsehole.

This has got to be the most annoying virus scan available. Especially the one downloaded from AOL. This one sits in my family computer. The damn thing literally takes over the cpu, sucking the life out of the pc. When I went over to install a surprise for my mom (an upgrade of stronghold crusader EXTREME), and McAFEE start screaming pop-up about checking the internet for re-validation. It STOPS the computer until it get what it wants, and we don't get internet down there anymore. It's time to kill that little bastard once and for all. One problem is that the uninstall isn't availible...only it's icon, so I have to get in and destroy it piece by piece, TODAY!

After thirty minutes, the computer now load thirty times faster. Praise God! But now to set up that game...

It boggles me that firefly studio would go back to one of there best classics and ramp it up to the extreme! That is a rare act initiated, but a wise one. Hopefully, other game companies sees this and follow up. I like to see microsoft do Age of Empire 1 & 2 EXTREME!

FAN PROJECT UPDA...

Filth. Today just flew, but I got what I wanted. I'm gonna be making a project page of all the idea for the azure dreams fan game. My zeal is back, and it time to get busy.

"Let's Ride!"

Mmm...nothing much happened. I've been testing some screen recorder apps to use to record zzt games. Yep, that's what I've been doing. But an awful aura came over me once I was there. Don't know exactly why though. Maybe it's a spiritual prompting that I don't need to be there. But I'm gonna be cautious about what I do there.
Anyway, I've been watching some "Let's Plays" which is a commentary walk/playthrough made by youtubers, quite addictive. But it burns up all my time which may be the reason the bad feeling that came over me. I have to go back to work on the azure dreams fan project.

The dreams that I have before may occur a little later in life which I've yet ran in a situation that may have a resemblance. Still, I'll keep them noted.

Last week, if I haven't mention it before, I switch meds, from lexapro 10mg to celexa 20mg. The only difference is that celexa isn't concentrated and require 20mg to have the same effect as lexapro. But in turn, I only have to pay four bucks.

Game List:

(Bought) Izuna 2:Still Poor
(Bought) Bangai-O Spirits
(freeware) Maze of Galious
(freeware) La-Mulana

I just had an interesting dream. The previous ones were fun kind of dreams that I love to have. The adventure, and excitement. But this one I had today was special. Something that haven't happened to me in a long time. It was a message.

Coincidentally again, I just got through reading new day new you where joyce talks about listening for God's voice. She hightlight the scripture "And the sheep follow him because they know his voice. They will never [on any account] follow a stranger." -- John 10:4-5. She said that God speak to us in a small still voice, but may speak to us through many things, and that God spoke to her through nature, and she may had up to five prophetic dreams. Note that she also said, "most of the time" people may have open visions and dreams.

I do not like to be skeptical to someone who teaches the things they learn, but I always listen, and try to understand the point that is getting across. I may even experience...no I have experience a dream God had spoke to me. That's when I realized I when AFG for too long (He wasn't happy). That was a couple of weeks ago.

So that night, when I finally went to sleep (for only two hours), I had a dream. The highlight of what happen was...

• Yeshua makes a cameo appearance, thrice!


• He was building something and I was helping him. Each twine that he uses to ties his project down he said it helps him remember something and we both have to work together to strap it down. He was little as me, but stronger.


• A game of elimination started at the table, I don't know what the rules were, but all of the opposition were eliminated except one, which is amongst the team. The first try didn't work somehow, but the second time, Jesus offered brownies. "Miley Cyrus" toke the brownies then she was eliminated.


• An accident happened within a fast food restraint which resulted that a lady was hit by a high speed...cart? I ran to help a lady who was severely injured. I could only do so much with what I know, but then Jesus shows up to take over.

I'm thinking on this a bit, but I'm seriously depressed today. I don't know, but I just don't feel good at all. I guess I also cut this entry short too, and try to chill.

Hola amigo. Lots of crap did happened through the week I didn't post about. Well I guess I'll do a summery post.

By the way. I'm testing out scribefire which happens to finally work on insane journal.

OH SHEYAT, MY BUNNEY!

Last week, at night when I went to bed. I was getting some goodnight sleep...but then I forgot to set my clock, which happens to be my black nintendo ds...but, I could have swore I brought it home from work. I looked around, quickly because I have to get some sleep. Breathing deeply, I desided to set my old ds and look for it tomorrow.

Then I dreamed about it, losing it, somewhere in Japan. Waking up, I called work to see if they have found it. One of the managers was on the phone, and I said to check if they don't have it. He looked around, but to no success. Set up to browse the net because I couldn't go back to sleep, I waited to go back to work.

I wasn't too worry about loosing my ds, because I still have my old one, and I'll take time to recouperate my loses of three games. But what I'm stressing over is losing my digital bunny I was taking care of since feburary. Is she okey? Is she gonna starve? OH LORAD! If someone found it, I could imaging them playing the rest of the games and have a rusty nail driving through my petz bunneyz game.

At work, I asked security to check if I have a buldge on my behind when I left break...yea, you can say I'm desperate. Then mom came. I suddenly remember my dad was riding her van when he picked me up, so I ranned to her and asked if my ds is in her van.

"Yes." she said. "Thank God." I thought. Now I can call off the store wide search party.

Azure Reality

I just happen to browse GameFAQ Azure Dream forum, when I ran into josh forde's post about him wanting to make a game base off of azure dreams mechanics, and he wants some people to work on it.

I practically blew up.

Bluming with zeal, the day I ask to be the game designer, I've worked on it on my breaks, and gathering my resources at home. Then went to the forum and bother the crap out of them.

Days passed and now, I'm pretty burned. I'm gonna give my mind a br..*ouch, OUCH* must stop thinking!

YouTube Idea

I'm conceaving an idea that I want to do on youtube. It has to do with ZZT. But I rather show you rather to explain the details.

Well, I've gone AFG again. If I keep doing this, I might not be doing game designing. God is everything.

Speaking of. At work, I was seriously hurting. I couldn't do jack doodly. It started before I went home and continued in the morning. The pain prevented me to even move or to pick up thing so my last resourt was to pray, "God, please give me strength to make it through the day". In a snap, my pain...gone. SERIOUSLY GOD IS GREAT!!! All you need to do is call for help when you need it. Yea, just call. He just right there. *points*

"Okey, now all I have to do is press enter and...DAYUM!" Almost just as fast, my new hard drive showed up at the door. Woohoo! Hot sex on the planet that will getcha wet! I'm about to get in something I will never regret. And it's gonna be the bomb, this is what I bet...

Yep.

With a fresh start and +100 more hd space, it's not so bad once you look at it.

Oh, and I've changed my mind on a new laptop, and instead gave some of the money to pop to fix his van. I did said I'm saving to help my family.

AFG...

To be frank, I haven't been spending time with God for mmm...about 3 weeks. THAT TOO DANG LONG!!!!...!!..! I read devotions during that time, but didn't spiritually put in my time to talk with my Friend. Guess I was too caught up with reviving my dream site. I can't be doing that.

It's important for me to spend time in prayer, and praises. With how work is going, I need all the SP(Spiritual Points) that I need. Temper my walk so I won't make mistakes, or strife. Eye's are on me at work so I have to set an example in walking in love.

...think I chattered enough. Only time and grace will tell...